S.652
          One Hundred Fourth Congress of the United States of America
                           AT THE SECOND SESSION

Oh ye, here ye, Oh ye, here ye. Honor thy mother and father.

Begun and held at the shity of Washington on Wednesday, the third day of
January, one thousand nine hundred and ninety-six. An Act to gain control
over the American public by taking their God given right to freedom of
speech. To ostentatiously display the large penis of the government and
flaunt its size. To intimidate the America public and God. To show our
utter stupidity, our self-centeredness, and our lack of comprehension of
computers and the Internet. To increase the demand for child pornography
and create an covert government pornography franchise.

          Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the
          United States of America in Congress assembled.
          SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE; REFERENCES.
            (a) SHORT TITLE- This Act may be cited as the `Gestapo Act of
          1996'.
            (b) REFERENCES- Except as otherwise expressly provided, whenever
          in this Act an amendment or repeal is expressed in terms of an
          amendment to, or repeal of, blah blah blah blah no one actually
          reads this and votes. BULLSHIT! BS!!!!. burp! gasp!    blah blah
          blah blah blah abhlabhabhlabhhlablhab  1984 (NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM).

                             TITLE V--OBSCENITY AND VIOLENCE
               SUBTITLE A--OBSCENE, HARASSING, AND LUSTFUL   UTILIZATION OF
                              TELECOMMUNICATIONS FACILITIES
          SEC. 501. SHORT TITLE.
            This title may be cited as the `Anti-Masturbation Act of
          1996'.
          SEC. 502. OBSCENE OR HARASSING USE OF TELECOMMUNICATIONS FACILITIES
                            UNDER THE COMMUNICATIONS ACT OF 1934.
            Section 223 (47 U.S.C. 223) is amended--
                        (iii) any usage of the word "bunny-rabbit" shall
                result in a flogging of great magnitude. If usage of the
                word "bunny-rabbit" exceeds that of forty-two, then the
                defendant will be found guilty of heresy and sentenced
                to the punishments of:

                   (1) Intercourse with Chelsea Clinton.
                   (2) Forced coding in Basic.
                   (3) A fine equal to the deficit.
                   (4) Attendance at a Senate hearing.

                        (ii) initiates the transmission of,
                any comment, request, suggestion, proposal, image, or other
                communication of an image that your mother would scold
                you for, knowing that the recipient of the communication
                is under 18 years of age, regardless of whether the
                maker of such communication placed the call or initiated
                the communication, will result in:

                   (1) A vacation cruise to Europe.
                   (2) A new Lexus!
                   (3) A beachfront house in the Bahamas.
                   (4) A beautiful women, who is intelligent,
                       has large breast and suffers from nymphomania.

          SEC. 505. SCRAMBLING OF SEXUALLY EXPLICIT ADULT VIDEO SERVICE
                            PROGRAMMING.
            (a) REQUIREMENT- Thou shalt not look at pictures of the
          naked anatomy of a person of the opposite sex. This may lead
          to masturbation, which will inevitably lead to BLINDNESS! It
          is our duty as the government to intervene in this crisis, the
          eyesight of millions at risk.

            (b) Thou shalt not think about sex, intercourse, or ramming
          your throbbing cock up the orephus of any member of the opposite
          sex, same sex, animal, electrical socket, lamp-post,
          vegetable, or into the slot of your floppy drive. 
          
            (c) FUNDING AVAILABILITY- Section 309(j)(8)(B) (47 U.S.C.
          309(j)(8)(B)) is amended by adding at the end the following new
          sentence: `Such offsetting collections are authorized to remain
          available until expended.'.
          Speaker of the House of Representatives.
          Vice President of the United States and  
          President of the Senate.